It’s a heart problem.

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I think at some point or another, we all have a moment where we sit back and just think about our life. Where we’re at, where we want to be, overall mental and emotional state. I had one of those moments last night after stumbling upon this quote from Max Lucado:

You change your life by changing your heart.

I have had a serious heart change this year. I can just tell. I can feel it. Even little things, like the way I handle stress. Before, I didn’t have a handle on it at all; and overall, I was an unhappy person because I just felt like I always had this weight on top of me. Even when life was good, in the background, I would be so stressed out about little things that I would just be ‘blah’. In a fog. Not firing on all cylinders. I really don’t know how to describe it. It just wasn’t a good feeling. I wasn’t myself.

And C could tell. He would make comments all the time like, “you always seem sad” or constantly asking me “what’s wrong?” Nothing was wrong, life was good. I just couldn’t describe this funk that I felt.

I come by it honest. All of the women on my mom’s side of the family are horrible when it comes to stress management. But it wasn’t something I was proud of. I’d get so worked up about little things, and I couldn’t help it! I truly hated that about myself, but I couldn’t stop.

Then I had a heart change. And I know it’s all because of where I’m at with my relationship with God. I’m closer to him than I’ve ever been. And I wasn’t praying about my stress issues. I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t know that’s what was causing that horrible feeling that I always had. But just because we don’t ask for something, doesn’t mean that God won’t answer. He healed my heart when I didn’t even know what the problem was.

But what I’m getting at is this.. As I was sitting there reflecting last night, I came to this realization: I’m living the life of my dreams.

I’m an overall happy person. My family is healthy. I have a beautiful home. I get to travel.

Then there was the moment I realized that my heart had changed… I thought about things that would normally stress me out, like work. I still hate my job. I hate it more every day to be completely honest. But I don’t bring that home with me anymore. I deal with it when I walk in the door, and when the door closes behind me, that worry gets left inside. I still keep an eye open for jobs, but I’m not jumping at every little opportunity like I used to. I’m not lowering my standards just for the sake of getting out of here. I’m not stressing when I don’t see job listings that appeal to me. I’m content. Still have my eye on the prize, and I’ll get there, but I’m not going to make myself miserable in the meantime.

The wedding. Wedding planning is a lot to deal with. I know that the old me would get swallowed alive with dealing with people not calling me back, juggling schedules and payments and what do I have left to do… Not anymore. You know why? Because what I am being swallowed up with is graciousness. I have a thankful heart. Thankful that C and I are financially comfortable enough that I’m able to have the wedding I always dreamed of. Thankful for a future mother-in-law and sister-in-law who are kind enough to throw a bridal shower for me. Thankful that I’m going to have all of my family together. Thankful for all of the love and support that will be surrounding us on that day. And even though there have been a lot of hiccups and things haven’t completely gone according to plan – it aint nothing but a thing! All that’s on my mind is how ecstatic I am that I get to marry my best friend. And even with my big dreams, I’d be just as happy if we were just standing in a courtroom – as long as that man is by my side.

And you may know, but I’ve been a huge slacker about getting my pictures off of facebook and officially shutting down my account. I still pop on in the morning and read my ‘on this day’. I just think it’s fun to go back and see what was going on in my life back then. How far I’ve come. Funny things I wrote. Documenting things about my sisters as they grew up. But this morning on my OTD, I saw this…

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Then I got on here and saw this…

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It’s been a year since I’ve “moved on”! And honestly, I don’t miss facebook one bit. What I do miss is the time that I wasted with my nose in my phone scrolling my news feed. Time that I’ll never get back.

And I won’t lie to you, I did enjoy being able to keep up with what was going on with my sisters who I don’t get to see often. Seeing pictures of little cousins that live in other states. So really, that’s why I kept FB for as long as I did, family. But that girl that I haven’t spoke to since high school – that coworker that I really don’t even like – what’s going on in their personal life is not a damn bit of my business. I didn’t want or need to know about it.

Eventually I just couldn’t take anymore of people airing dirty laundry, political fights, and being harassed about buying whatever weight loss, oil, makeup, etc. that people were selling.

I know the separation has been a big part of the change in my heart.

So anyways… I feel like the post today has been a little all over the place, but it made sense in my head! Haha. But I have a super exciting post coming in the next few days {exciting for me at least :)}. I hope yall have a great weekend!
-L

 

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